


An Accurte Gay-Dar is Absolutley a Holistic Ability, Todd!

by dirkgcntly



Category: Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detectives Agency
Genre: Alcohol, Cigarettes, Everyones Drunk, F/F, M/M, Weed, panto is still alive if i say he is, poly wlw? nice, the rowdy 3 are going to adopt bart, the rowdy three wrecking shit as per usual, this is shit even by my standards, todd’s kind of a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-14 22:50:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13017831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirkgcntly/pseuds/dirkgcntly
Summary: Team jacket through a party to celebrate the official opening of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency. Except Todd is sad and Dirk has absolutely no idea why.





	An Accurte Gay-Dar is Absolutley a Holistic Ability, Todd!

**Author's Note:**

> for the toads as per usual, i barley put any effort into this n it’s garbage but i liked the idea at least :)

All things considered, the night had gone down without a hitch. If you consider a broken ceiling light, a hotboxed toilet, several broken champagne glasses and the Christmas-style decorations covered in Vogle vomit - “without a hitch.” And by Dirk Gently’s standard, it was. Tina had even made it down from Bergsberg. Sherlock had to stay behind though, something about ‘training Scott Boreton as a deputy’? Dirk never saw him as the type personally, what with the whole ‘being a toad’ thing but apparently he was back to his human form and on the right track. Farah seemed to be enjoying herself. Tipsy, flustered and smiling from ear to ear, it was the happiest Dirk had seen her in a long time. She was wedged between Tina and Amanda on the other side of their newly rented (and newly destroyed, they’re never getting their deposit back) office. Sure it was small and, thanks to Amanda and Tina, stank to the high heavens of weed but it was theirs. His. Tina was as boisterous and as mile-a-minute as ever, passing a joint to Amanda behind Farah’s shoulder with one hand and pouring shots with the other. Amanda seemed to be free of panic and pararibulitis for the first time in a long time and it showed, though Dirk couldn’t tell who she was trying to flirt with, Tina or Farah. Both? It was probably both. The Rowdy Three were scattered across the room, doing their own various things. Cross was busy enthusiastically crushing empty cans on his head and throwing them in different directions, Gripps was in the corner holding Vogle’s flowers out of his hair as he practically projectile vomited over the nice, new, previously clean floor. For somebody who talks big, Dirk really thought he’d be able to handle his cheep beer better than this. Martin had spent the majority of the evening perched on one of the desk, smoking like a chimney, trying to act cool. But he was enjoying himself. The only people who didn’t look happy were Bart and Todd. Dirk had been reluctant to invite Bart to their opening party. In fact he hadn’t, the universe had. She’s showed up unannounced, crashing her car into a poor unaware Ford Fiesta across the street and blundered through the door with nothing but a “Hi, Dirk” and a “Anybody got a beer?” Still, Dirk could understand why she looked upset. She’s lost two friends in the space of a few month and Dirk knew the feeling, what with Ken working for a ruthless and rather mean government and all of the portals to Wendimoor not quite working properly, rendering her unable to see Panto, she was a little lost. She’d spent most of her life friendless and alone and really hadn’t minded up until now. There was no one to stop her killing people and stealing pastries from the local corner shop but she’d also never actually known what it was like to have friends. Real friends, not adult blackwing staff who manipulated her with ice cream and smiles and then locked her up for testing but people who genuinely cared, wanted her to be happy and had her best interests at heart. And they were gone. She had managed to lift her head and mumble a few things to Martin throughout the night, though. This unlikely friendship was exactly the sort of unlikely friendship he’d expect them to be involved in. Todd, however, Dirk didn’t understand. He’d been okay for the first half of the party, laughing, drinking and hiding breakable objects from the Rowdies just like everybody else but as soon as they hit midnight, he was like a depressed Cinderella and Dirk had no idea why. He had his friends, he had Farah (whatever they were, Dirk didn’t understand this either), they were starting the agency and his sister hated him less than she did a few months ago. That should be a win in anybodies book!   
He watched, intrigued, as Todd chucked his empty beer can in Cross’ direction and slipped out of the door, searching his pockets for a lighter as he went. ‘This absolutely will not do!’ Dirk thought to himself. He could not have his best friend of all people moping about and sitting out on his own in the cold, even if it was just to smoke. Dirk downed the last of his drink and followed Todd out of the door. Unfortunately, Dirk had neglected to put his jacket on before he walked outside and immediately hit by the freezing cold wind. Todd looked up from the bench at him, sighing in disbelief.  
“Seriously? You never take that stupid jacket off, except now, when it’s freezing, you left it inside?” He giggled.   
‘That was unnecessarily mean’ Dirk thought, he’d give him a pass though, everyone was a little drunk. Todd pulled his own jacket off, standing up and wrapping it around Dirk’s shoulders. He felt warm. He immediately decided that this could be for multiple reasons. The first one being that the air was absolutely bloody biting and he’d just been given a relatively warm piece of clothing. The second being that all of different types of alcohol he’d consumed throughout the evening may have possibly had an effect. The last being something that Dirk couldn’t quite define. Something about Todd. Dirk decided to ignore it and sat down next to his friend. He twirled the fabric of Todd’s jacket, trying to work out what to say.   
“Todd, are you.... okay?” He asked. Yes that ought to do it. Straight and to the point. Todd chuckled.   
“I guess.” He answered, blowing out smoke.  
“It’s just, you’ve looked quite clinically depressed for the past hour and I’m a bit worried.” Dirk turned to Todd, moulding concerned-friend-expression with drunk smile perfectly. He looked like he was trying to find words that he really didn’t have, like trying to voice an opinion that you know will offend somebody, without actually offending anybody.   
“I, I shouldn’t be upset about it, it’s not like I have a right to be upset or anything and I’m not really, it’s not like-“  
“Todd, you’re rambling, you sound like me.” Dirk interrupted.   
Todd took a long drag of his cigarette.   
“She’s gay, Dirk.”   
“Ah, right.” He answered. Then promptly realised he had no idea what Todd was talking about. “Who is?”   
“Farah.”   
“Ah, right.”   
“I mean, it’s not like she lead me on or anything, she never said she wanted a relationship or anything like that, it’s just I cared, you know? And I kind of thought we were heading towards something and then one day it was like - “Hey, Todd! How’s the case? Do you want some coffee? By the way, I’m a huuuuuge lesbian!” He paused. “Am i being an asshole?”   
Dirk thought for a second. “Not an arsehole. Just a tiiiiiiny bit selfish.” He said, scrunching his face up and gesturing with his fingers just how tinily selfish Todd was being. “I can understand why you’re sad. It’s just, regardless of your romantic interest, Farah is your friend. She’s probably going through quite a lot, with realising she’s a lesbian and what not and I think you should probably be there for her. Instead of, you know, grumping about and feeling sorry for yourself because a woman didn’t want to shag you.”   
Todd looked almost offended for a good ten seconds. Then he burst out laughing.   
“Okay, that’s fair. You’re quite a bitch when you drink, you know that?” He asked, nudging Dirk.  
“I’ve been told.”   
He thought for a good few minutes about Farah. She had the pretence of being strong and really she was, in the whole time he’d known her, there was one person that she couldn’t beat in a fight and she’s still bitter about it. She’s incredible. But she’s scared, constantly pre-occupied with worry of how the world sees her. Speaking of...   
“I had no idea, though.” Said Dirk.   
“What?”   
“Farah. I couldn’t tell that she was gay.”   
“What, you’ve got some sort of flawless gay-dar or something?”   
“Yes! Actually, Todd!” He exclaimed, rather upset that he was doubting his holistic abilities. “I mean, Tina is an obvious bisexual, as is your sister. The second Panto rocked up to the station with pink hair, he might as well had worn a t-shirt that says ‘I’m super gay and have a super gay boyfriend!’”.   
Todd chocked on the last of his smoke.   
“And me, well, I broke into your apartment wearing a bright yellow jacket and accused you of heaving boring sex, what do you think?”   
His friend was in fits of giggles by this point and Dirk smiled. He made Todd laugh. After he got his breath back, Todd turned to look at Dirk.   
“What about me then?”   
“What about you?”   
“Your flawless incredible gay-dar, what does it say about me?”   
Dirk tilted his head to the side, looking Todd in the eyes. What did it say about him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But there was something else.   
“I don’t get it with you.” Dirk finally said. “It’s not a gay-dar thing, I get a hunch when I’m with you. Every time I’m around you and I haven’t quite worked out what it means yet. What do you think?”   
Todd looked surprised, like there was so much running around in the brain of things, searching for an answer that might finally help Dirk understand what it was about Todd that made him feel like this and what exactly this feeling was. Todd turned away from Dirk, leaning his back against the bench and flicking his cigarette butt on the ground.  
“Absolutely no fucking clue, Dirk.”


End file.
